I'm sitting on my bed, crying harder than I have in a really long time.
I feel like for the past three weeks, I've been trying to climb a craggy mountain with just my fingers. And my fingernails are breaking, and my knuckles are bruised. I've been trying SO hard to be perfect, and act like I have it all together, but I DON'T. Not even close.
To be honest, I'm SO sick of being imperfect. I'm sick of this eating disorder. I'm sick of myself. And I can't help but cry right now, because I feel like I will never be free. I'm SO afraid that I will never be free.
I know God has a plan for all of this, and that it is all good, because He wants nothing but good for me. But I'm having such a hard translating that from my head to my heart.
Oh, God, I've been trying so hard to do this all by myself, and I just realized that I need you so bad. I need you from the depths of my heart. My neediness is so great, that if it were water, it could take the place of an ocean. Please just take my heart and hold it. Hold it, and make it into something beautiful. Because I can't do that. Only You can.
Erica, you don't have to be perfect. You just need to be willing. Take it a day at a time, an afternoon at a time, an hour at a time. CUT OUT SUGAR. It is poison for you. When you eat sugar, you get a burst of energy and your blood sugar spikes. Then it sinks like a stone in water and you crave more. You can do this. It will be hell for about a day but then you will get it out of your system. You will feel so much better physically and emotionally too. Write me and let me know how you are doing. I care. Love, Mom
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