Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Life is hard.

My weekend was harder than it's been in a long time. I cried a lot, and learned even more.
My parents, who love me very much, are pushing me to diet, and be more careful about how I spend my money. It was very hard to hear someone tell me that I'm wrong, and I need to change, but it's what I needed, so I'm grateful for it, regardless of how much it hurt.

But no matter what I think or feel, I don't need to be perfect. Yes, my parents want me to be better. Yes, they want a good life for me. But I don't need to take that to the extreme and say that I'm a disappointment to them, and a failure. With God's help, I will not give into the shame that ed is trying to push on me.
I will instead, choose to trust in God, and His faithfulness, knowing that I am not alone, and that I am loved. With His help, I will work hard, but not expect to be perfect. I will love God, love others, and love myself, and that's what is most important in my life.

I don't need to let the little negative things build up in my life. I can give them to God, and trust Him to sort them out. I can't solve everything. Heck, I can hardly solve anything. I'm so glad that I have Jesus.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Encouragement

I just wanted to take the time to say that God is good, all the time. Even when I don't believe it, or see it, He doesn't change. He is the creator of the universe and beyond, but He still looks at me in loving kindness. He is my King, but He is also my Father, and I can come to Him. His love doesn't have room for shame or condemnation, and His grace is perfect in it's complete freedom.

Take time today to think about exactly how God has blessed you today. Come up with five things, big or small, and thank God for them.

My 5 Things

1) Lexi for agreeing to give me a ride home this weekend.
2) Ingrid Michaelson's music, It's really good.
3) Making it into the Christmas musical.
4) Umbrellas, and refreshing rain.
5) Excedrin migraine medicine, and relief from the migraine that could have taken over my day.



Also, this is random, but I found this verse the other day, and I LOVE it:

He only is my rock and my Salvation; He is my defense and my fortress, I shall not be moved.
Psalm 62:6

Monday, October 5, 2009

I am His and He is mine.

I'm going to let you know that I was very frustrated today. I binged at two meals, and I was basically drowning in shame. I wrote this blog over maybe three times, and each time I got more irritated with myself, and with God. Or at least, I thought I was irritated with God. I was really irritated with ed. I get those two mixed up sometimes, and the result is emotionally crushing. Good thing God is an expert at putting the pieces back together.
So, I was sitting here on my bed this afternoon, begging God for answers. "Why do have this eating disorder? Why do I feel like You've left me? Where do I go from here? How do I recover from this bingeing episode? Why don't I know the answers to these questions right now?!"
And here's what I came up with: I am not God. I will never be God, and I will never be perfect like God. I don't always know the answers, and sometimes I get frustrated. But I can always count on God to be God. And that's where His peace comes in.
I'm continually confronted with the decision to trust God or trust ed. Most of the time, I choose ed, but I'm learning more each day how to choose God. And even though I choose ed sometimes, God always takes me back, because it's not about what you DO, it's about who you are. And who am I? I am God's daughter, a display of His splendor. I am a sheep, following my Shepherd. I am a treasure, beautiful in every way. I am His, and He is mine.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

He Just Loves.

I just wrote two long paragraphs about how selfish I can be when I realized that something was amiss in my thinking. So, I hit the delete button and decided to start over.
See, I am selfish and humanly flawed. But the thing is, God doesn't sit there and stare at that part of us. He doesn't condemn us or point fingers. He just loves.
Yes, I need to get my head up and away from myself. Yes, I need to be more grateful. But I can't expect to do that by myself. And I certainly can't expect to do it right away. It's okay to be imperfect, because that's the part of me that NEEDS God so desperately. I think God blesses us in our neediness because that's when He is able to show His perfect Grace.
Instead of sitting here, thinking about how wrong I am, my focus needs to be on how right He is.
It's okay to be imperfect, because through all of that junk, He just loves.