Binge, Binge, Binge.

Today, it feels like all I've been able to think about is when, where, and on what I can binge. It's so easy to feel like I'm a failure! Ed's been yelling at me all day. I'm a little sad to admit that I haven't been really making an effort to push his voice out and replace it with God's. Sometimes, I don't even realize that it's there! It's such a constant that it doesn't feel wrong or out of place, even though I know in my head that it is.

Here's an example of what he says to me:

"You don't want this. You wouldn't take that cookie if you wanted to lose weight. You are stupid if you think you can do this."

It's so hard to feel good about yourself when that's all you hear. It's almost impossible to look in the mirror and not see "FAT" written all over your forehead in big, red, accusatory letters. That's probably the hardest thing about an eating disorder: the mind games. Changing your actions isn't nearly as hard as changing the way you see yourself.

I just need to grip to what I know is true, and listen to God.