Thankful?

Oh, God, this is a test to my faith in You.

I feel like crap. I have gained 10 pounds already, within the first three weeks of school. and all I did was binge today, and I'm trying really hard to not hate myself.

So there it is. The question is, what am I going to do with it? I have two options: continue digging myself deeper into this shame-hole, or give it to God.

But I'm so afraid to give it to God, because that means admitting to myself and to God that I am not perfect. and I SO hate that.

But I'm going to do it anyway.

God, I give you my heart. A heart full of ed and shame. But I also give You a heart that is full of You. So please take care of it.

I want to thank you for my day. Thank you for Joelle, and her support. Thank you for my family, who love me and encourage me. Thank you for Huntington, and this amazing opportunity I have to learn and grow. Thank you for friends back home who care about me. Thank you so much for this eating disorder, because I know it is in Your good and perfect plan. You are so good, God. Thank you for everything you've ever given me. You are beautiful and wonderful, and so many other words I don't have in my vocabulary.

Thankfulness.

It's amazing how thankfulness can pull you away from yourself. It's like a Holy Remedy for all forms of selfishness. The Bible tells us to thank God for our struggles, and I don't know about you, but when I've tried to do that, my words come out half hearted and weak. It seems like nothing is happening, but if you look at yourself at the end of a day of thankfulness, it's like looking at a different person.

I woke up this morning, and I was EXHAUSTED. I couldn't see straight when I was trying to read, and I could hardly get up my three flights of stairs this morning after class. I was kind of angry about it. Whining about how little sleep I got, and worrying about how I'm going to get anything done today. I decided to thank God for the day, and be glad because I have this day full of opportunities, and suddenly, I didn't feel that tired anymore. I was ready to learn, and ready to love others.

God is so good to us. He is with us and for us, every day, every time. He loves us even when we don't love Him, and He forgives us when we fall. I'm so thankful for Him, because without Him, I wouldn't be where I am.

Binge, Binge, Binge.

Today, it feels like all I've been able to think about is when, where, and on what I can binge. It's so easy to feel like I'm a failure! Ed's been yelling at me all day. I'm a little sad to admit that I haven't been really making an effort to push his voice out and replace it with God's. Sometimes, I don't even realize that it's there! It's such a constant that it doesn't feel wrong or out of place, even though I know in my head that it is.

Here's an example of what he says to me:

"You don't want this. You wouldn't take that cookie if you wanted to lose weight. You are stupid if you think you can do this."

It's so hard to feel good about yourself when that's all you hear. It's almost impossible to look in the mirror and not see "FAT" written all over your forehead in big, red, accusatory letters. That's probably the hardest thing about an eating disorder: the mind games. Changing your actions isn't nearly as hard as changing the way you see yourself.

I just need to grip to what I know is true, and listen to God.

Food is worship.

Lately, I've been forgetting to thank the Lord for the food I eat. I'll scarf down what I can, make it look like I didn't eat much, and get dessert. Instead of making what I eat, when I eat, and how much I eat about God's provision, I make it about myself, and how much I can get.

What I realized today, is that eating food can be worship! It can be a time where we thank God for His many provisions! Instead of making our mealtime prayers to Him a routine, like a speech we recite, that time can be a time when our hearts overflow with thanks and worship!

When I realize that I'm making my eating disorder the focus of my mealtimes, my goal is to push his voice out and make it about God. That will go a long way to make God the center of my life. I don't think it's going to be easy, since ed's voice has been pretty much a constant in my life, but I'm going to try. I want to take time at every meal and make a conscious effort to thank Him for His provisions and grace.

God, please push your way into the center of my life. Force aside the distractions, and just be the center. You are what I need, not ed, not myself. Thank you for everything you have provided for me! You are so good.

God is God and I am not.

Perfectionism is something that has always dogged at my heels. It's this stupid little voice that always is nagging me to be better, to do more, to outdo God. I wish I could say that I don't listen to that voice anymore. That I'm all better, and I don't feel ashamed of my imperfections any longer. But that's not true. I still tend to dwell in shame when the inevitable happens, and I find out, once again, that I'm not perfect.

One of the many awesome things about God is that He is willing to meet me there. He's willing to come down in the pit of the shame, shine His light, and dig me out. No matter where I am or what I do, He's always there with me. Take a second to think about that. There isn't a moment of any day that He isn't walking with you. Even if you push Him away, fail to love, or whatever, He doesn't leave. What a perfect example of selfless love!

Today, I ate too much. I was so tempted to bury my head in shame, but I decided instead to trust what God says about me: That I am wanted and loved regardless of what I do.

I am so glad that God is God and I am not.

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Eph. 3:17b-19

I should be doing my homework...

For some reason, I'm very nervous about this. It feels like a momentous occasion, my very first blog. Even though it's very likely that nobody will read it, I feel very...exposed.

I'm just going to be honest. Here goes:

I've been overweight ever since I can remember. Sneaking food here and there, and lying about it later when someone asks, "Who ate all the cookies? We just got those yesterday!" Enveloped in shame, I remember sitting out in gym when all the other kids ran laps, but I couldn't keep up, so I quit. I remember going to Weight Watchers countless times, hoping that just maybe, I would stick with it. As it turns out, I never did, and the shame just piled up until I couldn't take it anymore.

Meet Miriam. She is a wonderful woman of God who opened up so many doors that I didn't even know existed. About two years ago, I walked into her office for counseling and she told me that I had an eating disorder called Compulsive Overeating. At first, I didn't believe her. I just thought I was fat, ugly and unmotivated. But she convinced me that it wasn't just me, and my outlook on life, and myself, changed. Through many sessions in counseling, I went from being depressed and ashamed to realizing that I was a child of God; forgiven and loved.

Fast forward to now. I'm a freshman at Huntington University and I have one goal for myself this year: To not gain the freshman fifteen. I'm not talking about weight loss. I just don't want to let my eating disorder (which I will call "ed" henceforth) run rampant on my life (or the cafeteria).

We'll see how this goes.