The Freedom Sessions

Life is hard.

2009-10-21T14:34:00.000-07:00

My weekend was harder than it's been in a long time. I cried a lot, and learned even more.

My parents, who love me very much, are pushing me to diet, and be more careful about how I spend my money. It was very hard to hear someone tell me that I'm wrong, and I need to change, but it's what I needed, so I'm grateful for it, regardless of how much it hurt.

But no matter what I think or feel, I don't need to be perfect. Yes, my parents want me to be better. Yes, they want a good life for me. But I don't need to take that to the extreme and say that I'm a disappointment to them, and a failure. With God's help, I will not give into the shame that ed is trying to push on me.

I will instead, choose to trust in God, and His faithfulness, knowing that I am not alone, and that I am loved. With His help, I will work hard, but not expect to be perfect. I will love God, love others, and love myself, and that's what is most important in my life.

I don't need to let the little negative things build up in my life. I can give them to God, and trust Him to sort them out. I can't solve everything. Heck, I can hardly solve anything. I'm so glad that I have Jesus.

Encouragement

2009-10-12T12:05:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to take the time to say that God is good, all the time. Even when I don't believe it, or see it, He doesn't change. He is the creator of the universe and beyond, but He still looks at me in loving kindness. He is my King, but He is also my Father, and I can come to Him. His love doesn't have room for shame or condemnation, and His grace is perfect in it's complete freedom.

Take time today to think about exactly how God has blessed you today. Come up with five things, big or small, and thank God for them.

My 5 Things

1) Lexi for agreeing to give me a ride home this weekend.

2) Ingrid Michaelson's music, It's really good.

3) Making it into the Christmas musical.

4) Umbrellas, and refreshing rain.

5) Excedrin migraine medicine, and relief from the migraine that could have taken over my day.

Also, this is random, but I found this verse the other day, and I LOVE it:

He only is my rock and my Salvation; He is my defense and my fortress, I shall not be moved.

Psalm 62:6

I am His and He is mine.

2009-10-05T18:13:00.000-07:00

I'm going to let you know that I was very frustrated today. I binged at two meals, and I was basically drowning in shame. I wrote this blog over maybe three times, and each time I got more irritated with myself, and with God. Or at least, I thought I was irritated with God. I was really irritated with ed. I get those two mixed up sometimes, and the result is emotionally crushing. Good thing God is an expert at putting the pieces back together.

So, I was sitting here on my bed this afternoon, begging God for answers. "Why do have this eating disorder? Why do I feel like You've left me? Where do I go from here? How do I recover from this bingeing episode? Why don't I know the answers to these questions right now?!"

And here's what I came up with: I am not God. I will never be God, and I will never be perfect like God. I don't always know the answers, and sometimes I get frustrated. But I can always count on God to be God. And that's where His peace comes in.

I'm continually confronted with the decision to trust God or trust ed. Most of the time, I choose ed, but I'm learning more each day how to choose God. And even though I choose ed sometimes, God always takes me back, because it's not about what you DO, it's about who you are. And who am I? I am God's daughter, a display of His splendor. I am a sheep, following my Shepherd. I am a treasure, beautiful in every way. I am His, and He is mine.

He Just Loves.

2009-10-01T18:36:00.000-07:00

I just wrote two long paragraphs about how selfish I can be when I realized that something was amiss in my thinking. So, I hit the delete button and decided to start over.

See, I am selfish and humanly flawed. But the thing is, God doesn't sit there and stare at that part of us. He doesn't condemn us or point fingers. He just loves.

Yes, I need to get my head up and away from myself. Yes, I need to be more grateful. But I can't expect to do that by myself. And I certainly can't expect to do it right away. It's okay to be imperfect, because that's the part of me that NEEDS God so desperately. I think God blesses us in our neediness because that's when He is able to show His perfect Grace.

Instead of sitting here, thinking about how wrong I am, my focus needs to be on how right He is.

It's okay to be imperfect, because through all of that junk, He just loves.

All Campus, Off Campus

2009-09-26T12:45:00.000-07:00

This weekend, I went of the ACOC retreat. It was mostly a good time, but some of it was a struggle.

It was kind of thrown into plain light that I don't have a "core" group of friends. I have Joelle, who I absolutely LOVE, but that's about it. And it started to really bother me because I felt like I was tagging along with some other people, but not really being a part of their "group" thing. So I left what we were doing at the time, and just sat and talked with God.

Here's what I came up with:

A: I am not going to come to college and instantly have an awesome group of friends like I have back home. It may happen later, but certainly not immediately. Friendship takes TIME, quality time. So what I'm feeling is normal.

B: This is a perfect opportunity to place my heart in Gods hands, where it's safest. He knows my emotional needs, and He is only doing what is best for me right now. So my best bet would be to just TRUST HIM, and lean on His understanding rather than my own.

C: I am where I am for a reason. God loves me insane amounts, and because of that, where I am is where I'm supposed to be.

D: If you ask, He will provide.

So I asked God for friends. I actually pretty much BEGGED God for friends. And do you know what happened the very next day? A wonderful girl named Claire pretty much landed in my life. She lives on my floor, and I'd met her before, but this was the first time when we were able to really talk. And I found out that she's really cool. We like a lot of the same stuff, and she kind of reminds me of my friends back home.

I could have cried.

God is SO faithful to His children. He provided a friend for me right when I needed it most, and really just showed me His love through her.

Whether or not we become "best friends forever" is really up to God. But this really showed me in a tangible way is that yes, He is taking care of me, and yes, he does love me.

On an aside, the sugar-free life is WONDERFUL. I absolutely love it. It's not always easy, but it's showing me that I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me. And the human support doesn't hurt either. I don't know whether I'll be doing it forever, but for right now, I am confident it is what I need to be doing.

Thanks for reading!

Easy As Pie... So far.

2009-09-23T13:50:00.000-07:00

Before I do anything else, I want to thank those of you who were there for me last night. It meant the world to me to know that you care, and I'm just so thankful to God for you.

Today is day 1 of me giving up sugar. To be honest, it hasn't been that bad. I now have a response to my cravings: I can't have that because I gave up sugar. So in that sense, it's made things easier.

It's still a struggle to wake up in the morning and choose to trust God, but I think He's teaching me how to do that, so I'm hopeful. I think that's the difference between today and yesterday: I have hope. And that is such a HUGE thing. I think God knows exactly what we need when we need it. I needed to have a meltdown in order to come back to Him. I needed to really feel the pain that I'd been stuffing down, in order to find relief. His plan is always better than ours, and I'm finding that out more and more each day.

God, thank you for everything you've given me. Thank you for the family and friends that I have that always support me. Thank you so much for being exactly what I need when I need it. You are beautiful and holy.

God, I need you.

2009-09-22T12:26:00.000-07:00

I just devoured 2 candy bars.

I'm sitting on my bed, crying harder than I have in a really long time.

I feel like for the past three weeks, I've been trying to climb a craggy mountain with just my fingers. And my fingernails are breaking, and my knuckles are bruised. I've been trying SO hard to be perfect, and act like I have it all together, but I DON'T. Not even close.

To be honest, I'm SO sick of being imperfect. I'm sick of this eating disorder. I'm sick of myself. And I can't help but cry right now, because I feel like I will never be free. I'm SO afraid that I will never be free.

I know God has a plan for all of this, and that it is all good, because He wants nothing but good for me. But I'm having such a hard translating that from my head to my heart.

Oh, God, I've been trying so hard to do this all by myself, and I just realized that I need you so bad. I need you from the depths of my heart. My neediness is so great, that if it were water, it could take the place of an ocean. Please just take my heart and hold it. Hold it, and make it into something beautiful. Because I can't do that. Only You can.

Thankful?

2009-09-20T20:53:00.000-07:00

Oh, God, this is a test to my faith in You.

I feel like crap. I have gained 10 pounds already, within the first three weeks of school. and all I did was binge today, and I'm trying really hard to not hate myself.

So there it is. The question is, what am I going to do with it? I have two options: continue digging myself deeper into this shame-hole, or give it to God.

But I'm so afraid to give it to God, because that means admitting to myself and to God that I am not perfect. and I SO hate that.

But I'm going to do it anyway.

God, I give you my heart. A heart full of ed and shame. But I also give You a heart that is full of You. So please take care of it.

I want to thank you for my day. Thank you for Joelle, and her support. Thank you for my family, who love me and encourage me. Thank you for Huntington, and this amazing opportunity I have to learn and grow. Thank you for friends back home who care about me. Thank you so much for this eating disorder, because I know it is in Your good and perfect plan. You are so good, God. Thank you for everything you've ever given me. You are beautiful and wonderful, and so many other words I don't have in my vocabulary.

Thankfulness.

2009-09-18T11:59:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how thankfulness can pull you away from yourself. It's like a Holy Remedy for all forms of selfishness. The Bible tells us to thank God for our struggles, and I don't know about you, but when I've tried to do that, my words come out half hearted and weak. It seems like nothing is happening, but if you look at yourself at the end of a day of thankfulness, it's like looking at a different person.

I woke up this morning, and I was EXHAUSTED. I couldn't see straight when I was trying to read, and I could hardly get up my three flights of stairs this morning after class. I was kind of angry about it. Whining about how little sleep I got, and worrying about how I'm going to get anything done today. I decided to thank God for the day, and be glad because I have this day full of opportunities, and suddenly, I didn't feel that tired anymore. I was ready to learn, and ready to love others.

God is so good to us. He is with us and for us, every day, every time. He loves us even when we don't love Him, and He forgives us when we fall. I'm so thankful for Him, because without Him, I wouldn't be where I am.

Binge, Binge, Binge.

2009-09-17T14:54:00.000-07:00

Today, it feels like all I've been able to think about is when, where, and on what I can binge. It's so easy to feel like I'm a failure! Ed's been yelling at me all day. I'm a little sad to admit that I haven't been really making an effort to push his voice out and replace it with God's. Sometimes, I don't even realize that it's there! It's such a constant that it doesn't feel wrong or out of place, even though I know in my head that it is.

Here's an example of what he says to me:

"You don't want this. You wouldn't take that cookie if you wanted to lose weight. You are stupid if you think you can do this."

It's so hard to feel good about yourself when that's all you hear. It's almost impossible to look in the mirror and not see "FAT" written all over your forehead in big, red, accusatory letters. That's probably the hardest thing about an eating disorder: the mind games. Changing your actions isn't nearly as hard as changing the way you see yourself.

I just need to grip to what I know is true, and listen to God.

Food is worship.

2009-09-16T10:03:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been forgetting to thank the Lord for the food I eat. I'll scarf down what I can, make it look like I didn't eat much, and get dessert. Instead of making what I eat, when I eat, and how much I eat about God's provision, I make it about myself, and how much I can get.

What I realized today, is that eating food can be worship! It can be a time where we thank God for His many provisions! Instead of making our mealtime prayers to Him a routine, like a speech we recite, that time can be a time when our hearts overflow with thanks and worship!

When I realize that I'm making my eating disorder the focus of my mealtimes, my goal is to push his voice out and make it about God. That will go a long way to make God the center of my life. I don't think it's going to be easy, since ed's voice has been pretty much a constant in my life, but I'm going to try. I want to take time at every meal and make a conscious effort to thank Him for His provisions and grace.

God, please push your way into the center of my life. Force aside the distractions, and just be the center. You are what I need, not ed, not myself. Thank you for everything you have provided for me! You are so good.

God is God and I am not.

2009-09-15T09:03:00.001-07:00

Perfectionism is something that has always dogged at my heels. It's this stupid little voice that always is nagging me to be better, to do more, to outdo God. I wish I could say that I don't listen to that voice anymore. That I'm all better, and I don't feel ashamed of my imperfections any longer. But that's not true. I still tend to dwell in shame when the inevitable happens, and I find out, once again, that I'm not perfect.

One of the many awesome things about God is that He is willing to meet me there. He's willing to come down in the pit of the shame, shine His light, and dig me out. No matter where I am or what I do, He's always there with me. Take a second to think about that. There isn't a moment of any day that He isn't walking with you. Even if you push Him away, fail to love, or whatever, He doesn't leave. What a perfect example of selfless love!

Today, I ate too much. I was so tempted to bury my head in shame, but I decided instead to trust what God says about me: That I am wanted and loved regardless of what I do.

I am so glad that God is God and I am not.

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Eph. 3:17b-19

I should be doing my homework...

2009-09-14T16:09:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I'm very nervous about this. It feels like a momentous occasion, my very first blog. Even though it's very likely that nobody will read it, I feel very...exposed.

I'm just going to be honest. Here goes:

I've been overweight ever since I can remember. Sneaking food here and there, and lying about it later when someone asks, "Who ate all the cookies? We just got those yesterday!" Enveloped in shame, I remember sitting out in gym when all the other kids ran laps, but I couldn't keep up, so I quit. I remember going to Weight Watchers countless times, hoping that just maybe, I would stick with it. As it turns out, I never did, and the shame just piled up until I couldn't take it anymore.

Meet Miriam. She is a wonderful woman of God who opened up so many doors that I didn't even know existed. About two years ago, I walked into her office for counseling and she told me that I had an eating disorder called Compulsive Overeating. At first, I didn't believe her. I just thought I was fat, ugly and unmotivated. But she convinced me that it wasn't just me, and my outlook on life, and myself, changed. Through many sessions in counseling, I went from being depressed and ashamed to realizing that I was a child of God; forgiven and loved.

Fast forward to now. I'm a freshman at Huntington University and I have one goal for myself this year: To not gain the freshman fifteen. I'm not talking about weight loss. I just don't want to let my eating disorder (which I will call "ed" henceforth) run rampant on my life (or the cafeteria).

We'll see how this goes.